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A sad Poem

If you are good in English and poetry, please feel free to leave me positive comments on this my first attempt at Poetry. Not sure if it is any good, but giving (poetry/prose/essay?? what is it really), a go.

A Sad Poem

 Writing of forbidden feelings and thoughts

Here I sit day after day and night after night
the sadness grips my heart time after time, gaining size gaining strength.
Here I lay in the dark, in pain both physical and emotional
Here I am alone, always alone, my heart saddens more by the day, by the night, by the hour.

This was not meant to be, this was not the way it was supposed to turn out, this was not supposed to happen, to Me.
Day after day, I wait by the phone, sit by the computer, waiting for anyone to contact me, to reach out to me, in friendship in love. This was not supposed to be, not the future or the present I wanted or dreamed about, the loneliness slowly engulfs me, the darkness reaches out, calling eager to hear my last breath.

I sit watching TV, scenes meant to make people laugh, make people smile, make them rejoice in memories of love, it just make me sad, tears well up in the corners of my eyes, my nose runs, my shame deepens, this is not supposed to happen to me.

Writing Excersice

Starting over again and again, how much more can I take, how much more can I endure, the darkness seeps out from within. This is not supposed to happen to me, not to me, where did my dreams go, my future, slowly fading from view, the end feels near it calls to me all the time, eager to hear my last breath my last thoughts of regret, to see my last shattered dreams.

Sitting in the waiting room at the Doctors office or the Emergency Room, I sit quietly in pain, watching others, always watching others, alone, There gentle touch on there loved ones, gentle words of encouragement to each other, I am alone, no one for me! Tears well up, but I hide them I must, for this is not supposed to happen to me, not to me. The others, people with loved ones, husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, sit comforting the sick, the injured, but not for me, not to me, I sit alone, waiting alone, suffering alone.

When they talk to me, I put on a brave face like I am supposed to, inside I withdraw a bit more, hiding the shame of tears for it is not supposed to happen to me, not to me. So instead I make jokes, make light of my own pain to hide behind, perhaps to help them, so they will not see the blackness in my heart, in my mind for it is not supposed to happen to me.

How do I let someone in, how do I smile, how to I feel love or happiness again, ever again, this was not the future that I wanted, that I thought would be mine, not supposed to happen to me, not to me.

During the day, it is slightly bearable, unless I am not working then the darkness jumps to the front, tears well up in my eyes, I sob watching movies I sob watching TV shows, I sob in my vehicle, in my house on my couch, thinking of the end, gripped in this blackness I am powerless, the tears roll down my face, I am frozen in pain and loneliness. This was not supposed to happen to me, not to me.

How do I,

can’t deal with this, programed from birth to avoid emotions, it has helped to lead me here to this time alone, contemplating the end, how to do it, how to make it happen, how and why to even try to keep going on, sadness, grief, anger my only companions, there are no friends, no friendships anymore, they have been lost in time, lost to me one by one, how to go forward, why go forward, how do I even ask for help I do not know how, tears, sadness, anguish, strong emotions, I am not supposed to deal with, these kind of things for I do not know how do deal with these emotions, any emotions, sadness, deep sadness engulfs me though it is not supposed to happen to me, not to me, I have been taught to ignore them and be brave.

Alone in the crowd, alone in the city, alone in Business, alone in my Car alone in my House, for I have no Home, always alone, forever alone. My only companion the TV or the Radio, another one way relationship.

For I am a man, a boy

For I am a boy, a Man.

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