Existence into Nothings
(I wrote this a while ago, hope you enjoy this writing freeform)
Today I saw my possible future, the future that is not far off now. An existence that is so close and so dark that I fear being sucked into this void like a giant black hole reaching for me to draw me in, devour me.
While I was helping someone today, they needed a vehicle and a driver why else would I be with someone, they need something. There was a tall thin man, hunched over, ambling slowly along the little strip malls store fronts. Hunched over, walking in pain, I sensed him before seeing him, sensed a void close to me. Looking around, my mind first, then eyes sought out the source of this rift close to me, close in many many ways.
This tall man, head hunched downwards from shoulders that were hunched over, showing signs of that bending disease, showing pain with every step, pain with every breath he took. This man so obviously in pain, raised his face up from his forward path, his eyes normally only watching just in front of his shoes as he walked, these sad and vacant eyes quickly found mine. There was no searching around, no hesitant looks, no questing about with his gaze, eyes straight to mine.
Eyes are the reflection of the soul and heart, reflection of the mind within, eyes that speak volumes eyes that reflect the world around them. His eyes, had pain, and nothing else. There was no emotion, no joy, no sadness, no happiness, no anger, his eyes reflected his world, there was nothing. A void, darkness a place of nothings, nothing lives there anymore, no hope, no future, no peace. Nothings and nothing else is like it, no danger, no badness the heart and soul have ceased to live, only the body keeps moving, keeps breathing, keeps living long after life is over.
Eyes, these eyes beyond sadness and joy found mine, recognition of another one so similar, eyes meeting eyes a quick nod of the head, then back down to the path the body wants to go. His aura, gone there was a nothingness around him so much loneliness or just plain darkness that this void pulsated within and without.
Crossing the roadway, careful steps, steps watched out for hazards, picking and choosing the next step for surely he could not see more than a few feet in front of him, so hunched over were his shoulders. Shoulders bearing the weight of nothingness shoulders bearing the weight of the void, a walking black hole of despair to one whom is beyond despair. The weight of his world, his past, his present all weighing down on his sadly hunched shoulders, a walking void.
Returning to my task at hand I was soon busy again helping this person who would not ever call me unless they needed something. Someone that you know, someone so lonely that they will drive people around doing groceries and shopping, just to have company. Nothingness.
I am ON, always ON, trained to be ON and aware of everything around me, never taught or trained how to turn off though. Knowing his path and his journey across the roadway and parking lot, knowing his position outside of a closed store. Knowing. Without consciously following his movements, just aware an awareness of my surroundings.
With my tasks at hand, watching my footing, moving a basket I felt the void, the blackness once again settle on me, not searching me out, just knowing where I was. Glancing across the street, looking directly into his eyes, eyes beyond pain and despair, eyes that reflect the void and blackness where there once dwelled a heart and soul. My existence, my being looked directly into his eyes and darkness, again he nodded a slight nod, this time I knew he had sensed me, or remembered me the one so familiar he had passed on his trek just so recently.
Nodding back knowing my existence so close to his, a darkness seeking a darkness. Nodded and continued on with my task, he continued his existence, standing there across the street, watching life, watching others, noting life around him but always on the outside looking in, on the outsider looking across. An invisible.
Standing outside later now, watching my dog play with her stick in the snow, knowing she was having fun, I stood watching. Standing in the dark of the night reflected in the darkness of my soul, reflected in the darkness of my emotions, reflected in the darkness of my heart. Not a darkness of evil just a darkness of despair, beyond sadness the darkness of being broken, not cold, just there an existence.
Turning, eyes watching others drive by, eyes watching others go about their lives in their houses, in the building where I exist. Existence is not living, existence is a form of the void, a form of nothing, watching others live their lives and dreams. A heart not cold to emotion or joy, a heart that is broken, a soul that is broken, nothing more and nothing less just existence.
My existence, watching, observing on the outside looking in, on the outside of living, forever.
In this, in this man there is my future, a nothingness a void. My existence into nothingness….
.
.
.
Nothings, Nothingness unless I am very careful, very lucky where there is no luck. Only the void, the blackness seeking me out constantly close by, I feel it’s pull like a black hole seeking to draw me closer, draw me into its cold lonely embrace.
My existence, watching, observing on the outside looking in, on the outside of living.
In this, in this man there is my future, a nothingness a void. My existence into nothingness….
Into Nothings
wild_E 