Email Humour

Just found this as I was cleaning out my inbox. Normally I do not share jokes though some are so good as to never be deleted. Here is one that is so cute it left me laughing away. I hope you enjoy (ps, there is the odd naughty word in there)

letter from management

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.

I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.

For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.

I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

——————————————————————————–

AND HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM….

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 – Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to ‘lift this’, ”push that’ dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn’t talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher ‘mum’ and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.

He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park . The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.

I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.

——————————————————————————–

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.

——————————————————————————–

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

——————————————————————————–

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.

Mason Lamp parts

Here is the Mason Lamp parts out and about.

wick holder out of mason jar

This has been used for a couple of years now. You can make the tail more decorative and you can make the wick holder more decorative if you so desire. The wire here is Coat Hanger wire, though you could use Mechanics wire easy enough but use the stronger stuff.

Start with using the nail and wire, wrap the wire around the nail to form the wick holder. Now just create the base and the tail. Some do not make the tail but I also do not like to stick my fingers deep into the oil to pull it out to change the wick either.

This free-standing wick works great the only thing I might do is add in some marbles or stones so that there is less oil in the jar. You will know it is time to add in more oil as the lamp will not stay lit or the flame is very low on the wick. Each time you use the lamp, just trim off a bit of the wick so you have no charred ends, this is common to all lamps and enables the lamp to burn cleaner and brighter.

close up of wick holder

..

Variations on the theme include a floating wick holder.

seen in the following pic, is a floater I did with Bass Wood. It worked though it could use some improvements.

Hope this helps out folks!

floater wick

Doomsday Veggie Lamps

Doomsday Veggie Lamps for when the lights go out!

Ok, this is not the end of the world tonight, though I did think the title fitting, nes pas? So this will be the start of a series of primers on some Veggie Oil Lamps and Heaters. The heaters will be just how to go about doing it, not the full on create a heater, though that might change in a few days as well.

A quick how to primer on making and using assorted Veggie Oil Lamps & 2 Heaters

veggie oil lamps

pic of my Mason Jar lamp which I have been using now for over 2 yrs.

Use of Veggie Oil is safe, convenient as well as much cheaper than regular candles or making the candles from scratch. The price of wax has gone up and up, the price of Veggie Oil is yes going up though much slower. I also keep and eye out for deals on Veggie Oil, some are also the 2 gallon tins, which I just missed the sale two weeks ago at No Frills (President’s Choice subsidiary)

Another advantage of using the veggie oil is safety, when and if it tips over the flame is extinguished by itself. This is in sharp contrast to using Lamp Oil or Kerosene Lamp oils (there are some varieties here, all very flammable.)  You can get right creative with this, put string around the tops of the threads, and make Redneck chandelier or mount in wall scones, put inside brown paper bags, sky is the limit and so is your creative juices. I can see you thinking now, hmm let’s get started, shall we.

Tools:

* pliers

* big nail or screwdriver

* mechanics wire or coat hanger, metal

* can opener

Wicks:

* natural fibre string, or, wicks, or, natural plant fibres, or dense paper towels, or, cotton stocks cut up into strips.. or… you’re imagination!

For the lamp bases;

* herring tin

* mason jar

* canned turkey flakes

* an oyster shell

* small cupcake shell – anything really

* big rock with a hollow!

(purchase them, eat them, clean them, use them)

Lard Lamps:

* get lard in a tub

* stick wicks in it, poke them down into it

* light them up use them!

1st. Mason Jar, been using this one for over 2 years now and it just keeps working away. Filling to the line I have now, will work without filling from 4-5 days using for 3-4 hrs per evening, or 1 overnighter, topping up the oil. My oil of preference is Extra Virgin Olive Oil or any oil really. The Extra Virgin Olive oil is the one that smokes the least and has the least odour as well. Any and all will work, even mixing them together will work quite nicely. Need to see if I can get some of the old grease from a Restaurant to see how that burns, though it will make you hungry when the oil is burning, same as veggie fuel in vehicles. Smells like french fries in the background, yummy but makes you hungry!

 

a, using the metal hangers or mechanics wire

* use your pliers to hold the end, wrap around the screw driver or big nail first

* once you have a few spirals

* make the bending shape to go down

* make a loop for it to sit on, in the bottom of the jar

* now, keep going and make a nice tail to raise out of the oil

* make sure your tail is below the opening of the jar, so you can put the lid back on when not in use

The tail is for lifting it out of the oil to add in another wick material (see list above) as well as to trim the wick if needed

(these pics did not turn out, so will be adding in some in the next instalment and adding them into this place-holder, sorry)

Filling options

you can put some decorative stones or marbles in the bottom of the mason jar, then fill up the jar with oil, or just fill with oil. The advantage is a little bit of looks and less oil. Disadvantages are setting the stand back in with ought some work to do so

Soak the wick for at least 10 mins or so, until saturated, this is very important as you will be impatient now to see how it will work! I suggest the first time, to get the wick soaking in oil perhaps in a small tuna can or in the mason jar while you make the wick stand.

Time:

from start to finish, O about 4 mins, that’s it!

Now I added some tin foil shiny side in to mine, you might want to make up a stand using pie plates, shiny metal bowels behind them mounted on the wall as scones, whatever works for you!

If the oil gets frozen, it does not matter, it will take a bit longer to get it going but otherwise it will burn just fine with the oil frozen, or if it has been frozen, so no issues there.

—

Herring Fish Tin

Buy the fish tin, eat the fish, clean out the tin!

 

Now while you are opening the tin, make sure you leave the one side attaches about 2-3 cm, this will assist you in making a wee ramp for the wicks.

* use your pliers (tin is sharp) bend the ramp into position on the side where the handle is. I just leave the pull tab on for now, and use it to help keep the ramp in the can

Ok, your done the build!

Wicks:

natural fibre cord

plant material

paper towel

string, anything at all really that is a natural fibre and will burn

see next images

Sting 2 methods:

a. first is the simplest, measure the string to make sure it will go side to side, cut it so it raises just above the edge of the can

you can now use 2 or 4 ends to get more light

Note: you will burn more oil as you light more ends, this oil will last about 3-4 hrs., if you light all 4 ends. This is done for more light!

 

b. take a small length of string, wrap around your finger, pull the end up into the middle and extend beyond the clump

put into the middle of the ramp

when it is saturated, light the end which will burn all night! Yuppers, this will burn all night unattended and safely. When it is damp and not so cold, I do this as it will provide a small measure of warmth to the air and helps to burn off some of the dampness, making it more comfortable.

wrapped natural fibre jute string to make a wick

AB. do the above operation with any shallow holder such as an oyster shell or metal cup cake shell, put in the same style wicks, light and enjoy!

see pics below

Option; heat option

put a tin can overtop of the flame, make sure you have vent holes along the side of the can top and bottom

this will heat up, take the dampness out of the air and provide some added warmth as well

Herring Can Heater

* do the same as above

* now use 4 string ends, or a wad of dense paper towel or a wad of plant material in the middle

* fill with veggie oil

* * * light it up, when it is going good, put the tin can with the holes over the top

This is just an expedient lamp/heater to show you the basics. This should only be used like I do on my fireproof stone pad on a solid surface beside my stove! This would be too dangerous in a tent or anywhere else like this, so this is just to show you, it is not hard. A full on heater would need to be made and I might make one soon that is much safer to use in a tent or anywhere else but a table top with a fireproof base!

+ + Legal warning, do not do this, consult a specialist, not responsible this is what I did, if you burn down or die, not my problems!

* * * CAUTION HOT !

use leather gloves or hotdog tongs to remove the can from the top

Note: this should be vented outside as it creates more smoky residue in the air as well as you should have a supply of fresh air for it as well, or you might not wake up!

Oxygen Thief – carbon monoxide warning – use a detector – fresh air – venting system as well

your warned, use at your own risk!! yadda yadda yadda legal speak, use your common sense  be safe

Let Your Bigot Flag Fly! (or: Merry Christmas!)

Let Your Bigot Flag Fly! (or: Merry Christmas!).

Though I did not write this, the post needs to be reposted!

Last year I made a point of saying Merry Christmas to any and all non Christian associates and friends. In every case I was greeted with a big smile back and a hearty Merry Christmas in return. Please note here that most of them were Muslim, a Hindu and 2 Pagan/Wiccans!

 

The Politically correctness that invades the schools, invades our lives and would be best done away with. Please read her post and smile like I did, if you disagree, then post it here for others, though make sure you state politely why you disagree.

So, it is a great post isn’t it and I double Dog dare you as well.. too funny Double Dog Dare you for a Christmas message!

cheers

 

dystopian stories

Brimstone and Fire

Dystopian Stories,

well now, I just found a new word and phrase, I write Dystopian Stories, cool. I did not know this phrase at all, and came across it while looking at search terms to my blog.

references;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dystopia Dystopia definition
Dystopian Stories
shhhh.. I liked these kinds of stories since I was a wee lad !
Speaking of dystopian stories, what are you doing for the End of the World day? December 21 is rolling around very fast now so what are your plans?

read a book
get out and star watch (asteroid search)
big party
spend times with your loved ones
pray
go to church
shed your cloths and dance like there is no tomorrow??

post your thoughts and plans, if you DARE ! 😀

divergent plates in the earth’s crust

and for some light reading !

Visualizing Earthquakes at Divergent Plate Margins

http://serc.carleton.edu/NAGTWorkshops/visualization/examples/58014.html