Monthly Archives: Sep 2013

No posts

No posts for a while, well the reason is Life issues, Doctor visits with new and old health issues.
Evaluation and contemplation right now are more important that blog updating, so hope you all understand, no posts.

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Forward in Time

Warning; goals, thoughts, emotions, deepest secrets, paths and paths not taken, turns and wrong turns taken, emotions, emotional, sadness and light.


“I would like to thank you all for gathering here to honour me in accepting this Best Writer Award.
Here stand I, humble and thankful for being here for you have become the rock that I lean on, the rock that makes my existence worthwhile and allowed.

Today I will share with you, my writing, a short passage as well as how I write, along with how I came to be here. This is a long twisting tale a tale with some surprising twists actually.

The start, high school I wrote for the joy of it, I wrote from the heart, I wrote from the scenes cascading in my head and struggled to keep up writing with pen and paper. There was the last piece, the short story of the wolf which was an assignment to write using anything involving the moon.

My turn came to read aloud my short story, there was silence a silence which I filled with the imagery that had formed in my mind, the short movie clip that I had captured on paper and now shared with my classmates, my peers.

Self doubt, misunderstandings, anger at what I thought I heard. Besides the praise two voices raised high a girl and the female teacher exclaiming what I misheard as plagiarism. Putting the Wolf Story in a book, I slammed it shut and walked out of the class, out of writing or creativity.

20 plus years later, I found that book and the long forgotten tale that had been written by my younger self. In anger I viewed that paper with shrill female voices accusing me of copying of plagiarism. As I was tossing my story in the trash, it landed face down and spying written words on the reverse side I picked it up and read the notes, 3 times.

What you listen to is not what is heard it is not what sometimes reality of voice but the darkness and self worth or lack of worth, overlaying words in your mind, misshaping words so you think you hear what was said but self doubt and lack of self worth have overlaid the scene with its own darkness tainting your mind, making you believe in the demons within. Self Talk is dangerous.

The words, simply and clearly stated that this was a wonderful piece written in the style of Farley Mowatt, but clearly my own work. Words to that effect, not what I had heard at all.

Round One went to the Demons within!

I do not remember the exact words to that short story though I had laboured over them for a week, I was happy and proud. Though to this day I only remember that the Alpha Wolves had howled at the moon. Into the darkness of time this story is lost.

Daring to allow myself to write again, to jot thoughts, emotions and short stories down again, allowing myself this denied and forbidden creativity to start flowing again. I began to write and create images with photography.

Enter my Ex Mother in Law, the ex demon in law, O what a harpy, a mouth of pure hatred with daggers for breath and vile thoughts spewing forth in my direction, her vexes upon my every deed, thought and work.

The Pen is indeed mightier than the Sword !

Everyday foul messages disguised as ‘Encouragement’ spewed forth from the fax machine, weekly mail brought deliveries of paper clippings with hand scrawled ‘Words of Encouragement’ arrived to drive the black nails deeper and deeper into my labouring heart and mind. Defeat.

Round Two went to the Demons within!

I stopped writing again, moved back to Ontario to start anew, though my mind was reeling from the repeated attacks, I retreated again, away from my creativity, away from joy within. Books and works left untouched, pixels left dangling and imagery left uncaptured, waiting, hoping to be allowed to escape from their self imposed imprisonment, allowed to lie neglected in sadness and darkness.

A few turns in the wrong direction and years again go by.

Round Three went to the Demons within!

Alone again, wishing to fill the void with anything but another woman or drink, images again demanded release onto the paper in the form of images and verse.

Slowly, I started writing then the images finally escaped the boundary’s self imposed, burst forth demanding resolution, demanding fulfilment of creativity, softening the darkness, light slowly filled the dungeon that had become my heart and mind.

Allowing myself to go with it, writing and creating images again were allowed to be my downtime, my alone times, my times of creativity and release. Slowly I struggled to attain not greatness but something else, I struggled to become me again. A worthwhile goal to be sure, though from the nails of darkness and demons howling, the me that was gone or long buried and dead.

Who is the me now? Dare I try to go back and pull that old self from the ashes of my history or tread to the forge creating a new self, hammer the ashes into solid mass, knead the broken steel in the flames of creativity to allow the self to rise from the flames and ashes allow the self to yet again soar.

For a time, it worked though lonesomeness drew me back to my past, I dug up old acquaintances, old passions, old memories allowing my fragile Psyche to believe in a past long gone, in emotions long quenched in the fickle, icy cold fingers of fate.

Round Three. Five went to the Demons within!

Crushed, defeated, deflated, alone, lonely broken heart anew, creativity flown and flung out. Struggling I turned to North American medicine, for my body had also created a prison this time, a prison of pain and sickness rotting the insides as the Demons had in the past rotted the heart, soul and mind.

Forcing myself, pushing myself, making fingers and thoughts mold stories, verse and post, helping others non stop in an effort to find some vestige of self worth, of the broken arrow, the broken sword that was once the warrior poet, the warrior writer, the warrior photographer the warrior of modern arms and tactics. I struggled anew, struggled for the very breath to breath, struggled to await each day the view of the sun rising, another day in this present.

Round Four went to a draw Demons within vs Broken Arrow of external self!

Draw! I stand at the Precipice of the void, the precipice of the long walk as it is known in the circles that I walk within. I stand looking at not one branch to the left and right but to a whole networks of paths, some off to the side, some at 90 degree angles to my bodies forwards direction, some directly ahead and some at right angles.

At war now, The Self at war, the body at war, the creativity at war, the very existence of the being at war, this is the reality of the ‘Draw’ ! A very fine line, a pause from a stagger, toes over the precipice of the void, the long walk enticing, filling the mind and nostrils with its darkness a darkness that pulls from within and out. The Demons push and pull, tugging and whispering in the darkness and light, soft words, angry shouts, cajoling phrases meant to lure and beckon the Broken Arrow, the Shattered Sword whisperings of new beginnings.

Tugging, my big puppy dog, tugs at my mind and heart, come play, come stay, come my pack leader stay here with me, stay and play. Tugging, thoughts of what my parents might feel, if at all of my passing hold my feet gluing me to the spot. Many acquaintances though only a few true friends, their encouragements and fears of disappointing them, glue my feet further into this spot.

Standing still, to make no decision is a decision in itself. For now I stay, the long walk may beckon but that is not a walk for now. Paths, which direction to go, frozen, steel wool headed from the Doctors pills, helping and poison at the same time. With the pills daily the void and darkness are pushed away, forced into a corner, sadly the same can be said of creativity, emotions, laughter, hope and thoughts. All stand in corners, a different void now exists a lack of creativity a lack of anything, I see, I observe, I sit, I stand but alas I do not go, no joining in, no action, nothing, there is nothing now only is there grey. Empty of Emotion is as bad as too much Emotion.

Again, Another Round another draw !

Through the fuzziness, the steel wool headed thoughts, slowly the self asserts itself, slowly. Pills every 3 days now not daily, pain is a friend for at least I feel something, slowly creativity of thought returns.

My mind conjurers up an imagery to lead me forward, down another path.

Sexy vs Sensual

Some people are sexy others are sensual, some thoughts are sexy while some are sensual, some writing is sexy along with the lifestyle, I choose Sensual though. Sensual is awareness of self, sensual is desirable by all. Slowly my mind makes sense of my writing and my creativity, sensual is the path to follow.

Writing begins again, photography begins again, creativity returns all due to a long forgotten image of two Women in a crowd of people. All there know each other, almost all are friends, all are gathered in friendship. There are four women who stand out, two are beauties through and through who are lovely and sexy to behold. Two are nice, sensual and fully desirable, all look at the sexy women, but all including the two sexy women desire the two sensual beings in their midst. Neither fit the norm of beauty, neither are considered gorgeous but surrounded by other women, some beautiful some dumpy, some frumpy looking, some look very similar, the two who stand out are the two Sensual Women of incredible self worth, women who exude confidence and Sensuality from within.

Sexy vs Sensual

Choose, choice for my life, choice for my creativity, choice for my writings, Sensual, memorable. To write as if the dawn broke anew every day in all its golden glory shining onto you and everything around you.

Round One went to the Light, to the Sensual Creative within !

We are all here today, writers, photographers, all creatives, I say choose wisely but choose the Sensual Creative Within. Choosing sensuality is what brought me here today, choosing sensuality is why this award is mine today. Choose wisely and keep the Demons out, the self talk out, push others of negativity away, allow yourself the luxury of sensual creativeness to be your path.

Thank you for taking the time to honour me with this award as well as taking the time to listen to my story.

Walk in Peace, Walk in the Light, Walk the Path of Self, never allowing the Demons from within or others to Darken YOUR Soul and Minds. “

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Water filter I have

This is the Sawyer product that I have
note this is the point one, I will be getting the point two in the spring or when money becomes available, for added health and safety reasons.

I also have the portable Berky Sport Bottle, for quick on the go drinking. Will be getting a LifeStraw soon as well.
ps. thanks for the compliment on my weird little blog all you folks it means a lot to me.

Here are the links for the water testing pages as well as the product pages

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Caring and sharing

In these days of darkness and sadness, there comes from a time to time hope and light. Please watch this for a brief view of sharing and caring.

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Filed under Blog post, Inspiration

Vandwelling in Canada

Hello there,
Atmosphere in Canada for vandwelling is pretty good in most places. This would be the wrong time for someone from Arizona to come up though since it is September! For me it is hot, for y’all eh, jackets!

There are a lot of signs saying no overnight camping or sleeping, though if you go speak with a manager, it is normally alright. I have just said, passing through need to stay overnight to sleep and I never litter.

Due to the size of each province there is so much to see, do and travel you could easily spend each season travelling around and never go to the same spot twice. The downside is the lower parts of each province only offer paid camping, most Crown Lands you are not allowed to camp in for overnights or at best only a few days.

There are very few true vandwellers here, though there are some, most in the BC area as it is much warmer than the rest of Canada.
There are full timers and snow birds who go south or to BC for the winter then head back to the home range in spring.

In spring, fall and winter, you stay out of the wind! In summer stay in the wind and hope you do not get eaten by bugs.

There is so little crime up here or aggression with guns and such that even traipsing through the woods, most never carry a firearm. In Bear and Cougar country a small radio or music player warns them the Two Leggers are coming and to stay away, yes it does work and is the best repellent ever. That being said I always have large hunting knives on me when I hike and have other weapons located near each door and sleeping area.

Most people have forgotten the rules of living in the bush;
keep your food area and food prep area, 25 feet away minimum distance
do not camp right by a water source, move your tent away the residents want to drink and cool too
cooking fires are always 25 feet minimum away from your sleeping area, not near your vehicle
no food in vehicles
hanging food cashes are great, again not near your sleeping area
never had food issues even in my vehicle that was in cans or such like that.
some special food containers will keep the food smells in and bears out, but then again hanging it up 25 feet away is good insurance
animals are territorial, in the old days they used to pee in containers and then circle their living quarters sprinkling as they went, thus the animals knew to stay out of that area (yes it works)

Most places can be accessed with vehicles that are 2 wheel drive, though with higher suspensions. Just can’t beat the 4×4 with the tent top campers and Alaska campers, so compact and the 4×4 is a go so many places option.
In Canada the best way to hide is in plain site here, if it looks like an RV or some sort, people leave you alone. It is harder to live in a car here though as we need so many layers of clothing and insulation that most of the room of a car would be taken up with sleeping bags and warm weather gear. Even in Summer time, I have had to dig out the jackets and gloves, along with the sleeping bag that is rated to 0 degrees to be comfortable.

There are some great Rv’s some great camper vans and everything else on the road up here as well. My conversion is done on the $$ figure conversion. Bad health and lack of work means found objects and creative living space inside. I have too much stuff, and hopefully this month will see a big chunk of it goes, somewhere somehow I am feeling very toxic due to stuff and storage issues. Some other conversions I haves starting at just $100 are quite nice up to the Tens of Thousands of dollars, these conversion just make you go, wow!

For the curb shopping types Canada offers a variety of dates to find good items, and if you drive around close to the garbage days, there are always deals to be had from people getting rid of things for so many reasons.

For the $$ crowd, we have a multitude of places to buy equipment although it is most times more expensive than our cousins south of us, so keep that in mind as well.

For insulation reasons I say spend more on the floor and make sure there is no metal or the fiberglass showing unless covered over or it will rain inside from the condensation! Wood heat is dry so there are less issues with heating your place with wood, be it a tent, yurt, vandwelling, conversion or RV.

modified small propane heater in old Kerosene heater shell with plastic items close to show they do not melt.

modified small propane heater in old Kerosene heater shell with plastic items close to show they do not melt.

Heating is of course a popular thing to do here, along with Alaska and the Northern USA States. People here heat what they live in using conventional wood fireplaces (seen them in long term tents as well) to portable wood boxes and camping stoves. The advent and development of Rocket Mass Heaters and Pocket Rockets are becoming more popular and gaining a larger following as well. I am turning one of my camping portable wood stoves into a Pocket Rocket with a mass to heat and hopefully stay warm all through the night. Of course I will be having a propane backup heater just in case.

Propane heaters for me right now, are the small older Sport Cat style and a Big Buddy heater with the propane condensation issues that plague them.

Most places have a live and let live attitude, although there are hot heads and people with hidden agendas just like anywhere.

Hope this helps,
cheers from wild_E


Filed under Blog post, Equipment, Improvised Stoves Heaters, Rocket Mass Heater, Rocket Stove, Vehicles