Editor Finally!

Finally someone said they would edit my stories and actually followed through!!!

Watch for the Divergent Journal series to be reposted with the editing done. A great example would be ‘The Van’ to the van… sorry LL…. ;)

For the next few days though I am still moving and selling off my business equipment, so forgive the wait time.

ps.. the last free form poem~writing, sparked a lot of private email, be brave and leave you message on the page!

For the meantime watch my latest video in the Disasters of Prep Cooking Series.. well not a series, but since I go from memory instead of directions for food cooking… well !!

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Missing Plane

the following photo suggests the reality of it..


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Existence into Nothings

Existence into Nothings

(I wrote this a while ago, hope you enjoy this writing freeform)

Today I saw my possible future, the future that is not far off now. An existence that is so close and so dark that I fear being sucked into this void like a giant black hole reaching for me to draw me in, devour me.

While I was helping someone today, they needed a vehicle and a driver why else would I be with someone, they need something. There was a tall thin man, hunched over, ambling slowly along the little strip malls store fronts. Hunched over, walking in pain, I sensed him before seeing him, sensed a void close to me. Looking around, my mind first, then eyes sought out the source of this rift close to me, close in many many ways.

This tall man, head hunched downwards from shoulders that were hunched over, showing signs of that bending disease, showing pain with every step, pain with every breath he took. This man so obviously in pain, raised his face up from his forward path, his eyes normally only watching just in front of his shoes as he walked, these sad and vacant eyes quickly found mine. There was no searching around, no hesitant looks, no questing about with his gaze, eyes straight to mine.

Eyes are the reflection of the soul and heart, reflection of the mind within, eyes that speak volumes eyes that reflect the world around them. His eyes, had pain, and nothing else. There was no emotion, no joy, no sadness, no happiness, no anger, his eyes reflected his world, there was nothing. A void, darkness a place of nothings, nothing lives there anymore, no hope, no future, no peace. Nothings and nothing else is like it, no danger, no badness the heart and soul have ceased to live, only the body keeps moving, keeps breathing, keeps living long after life is over.

Eyes, these eyes beyond sadness and joy found mine, recognition of another one so similar, eyes meeting eyes a quick nod of the head, then back down to the path the body wants to go. His aura, gone there was a nothingness around him so much loneliness or just plain darkness that this void pulsated within and without.

Crossing the roadway, careful steps, steps watched out for hazards, picking and choosing the next step for surely he could not see more than a few feet in front of him, so hunched over were his shoulders. Shoulders bearing the weight of nothingness shoulders bearing the weight of the void, a walking black hole of despair to one whom is beyond despair. The weight of his world, his past, his present all weighing down on his sadly hunched shoulders, a walking void.

Returning to my task at hand I was soon busy again helping this person who would not ever call me unless they needed something. Someone that you know, someone so lonely that they will drive people around doing groceries and shopping, just to have company. Nothingness.

I am ON, always ON, trained to be ON and aware of everything around me, never taught or trained how to turn off though. Knowing his path and his journey across the roadway and parking lot, knowing his position outside of a closed store. Knowing. Without consciously following his movements, just aware an awareness of my surroundings.

With my tasks at hand, watching my footing, moving a basket I felt the void, the blackness once again settle on me, not searching me out, just knowing where I was. Glancing across the street, looking directly into his eyes, eyes beyond pain and despair, eyes that reflect the void and blackness where there once dwelled a heart and soul. My existence, my being looked directly into his eyes and darkness, again he nodded a slight nod, this time I knew he had sensed me, or remembered me the one so familiar he had passed on his trek just so recently.

Nodding back knowing my existence so close to his, a darkness seeking a darkness. Nodded and continued on with my task, he continued his existence, standing there across the street, watching life, watching others, noting life around him but always on the outside looking in, on the outsider looking across. An invisible.

Standing outside later now, watching my dog play with her stick in the snow, knowing she was having fun, I stood watching. Standing in the dark of the night reflected in the darkness of my soul, reflected in the darkness of my emotions, reflected in the darkness of my heart. Not a darkness of evil just a darkness of despair, beyond sadness the darkness of being broken, not cold, just there an existence.

Turning, eyes watching others drive by, eyes watching others go about their lives in their houses, in the building where I exist. Existence is not living, existence is a form of the void, a form of nothing, watching others live their lives and dreams. A heart not cold to emotion or joy, a heart that is broken, a soul that is broken, nothing more and nothing less just existence.

My existence, watching, observing on the outside looking in, on the outside of living, forever.

In this, in this man there is my future, a nothingness a void. My existence into nothingness….
Nothings, Nothingness unless I am very careful, very lucky where there is no luck. Only the void, the blackness seeking me out constantly close by, I feel it’s pull like a black hole seeking to draw me closer, draw me into its cold lonely embrace.

My existence, watching, observing on the outside looking in, on the outside of living.

In this, in this man there is my future, a nothingness a void. My existence into nothingness….

Into Nothings


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What’s up?

So, some might be wondering what is up with this guy. Well, writing and doing some videos is what’s up !

Finally, finally got someone who actually does what they say they will do, and she edited some writing for me. This is the 4th person who said they would do editing and so far the only person who actually did any for me at all!

at all…

So watch for revisions to come your way on some things that were published already and maybe some editing before you see it.

Videos, youtubing again! I had mentioned it before so here is the link for the Youtube Channel. Please take the time to go and watch some of them, leave a comment and maybe even like some ;)

Cheers for now




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Smiles and Writing, and Parents

Sometimes it is the little things that make you smile, the little things that refresh your thoughts about Humans and our Future.

simple smile

Writing update.

Writing Programs

Parents, Prepping, food and water, self help

I can not get my parents to get it, can not get them to store any extras at all.

Drove across the city during the storm, outages to help them if needed, sat watching the news with them and slipped in some comments and asked some questions.
BRICKWALL ! I will just go to store and buy a generator ! wtf..
ok, so I said see the people there, water rising, cars stuck, no power. No way to get to the store, if you did there are hundreds at the malls now, see that shot, also they have no power so unless your willing to give them 2 grand for a $300 generator, and then find fuel no help there!

A. we will just make do or drive to a hotel ! wtf,, wtf..
hopeless, not sure what to do to them, my mother at least understood a bit more, and said she would put more away in the cold storage, but him, nothing not at all!
and HE is Ex Military to boot!




Filed under Blog post, Survival Prepping


I wrote this a while ago and just found it in my drafts…

What is it that we see, see in life, see in the mirror see ourselves and others? What makes some see greatness, some see themselves succeeding, some see themselves able to become more than what they are?

Could the answer be as simple as what they hear in their minds, hear in their heart or hear in the echoes with each footstep as they travel through this life? How do some overcome the negativity directed towards them, how do some overcome the negativity of situations? How do they overcome, breakthrough, persevere even though life throws every obstacle in their way, their path to greatness or just a path of happiness and joy?

Is it Karma or is the path predestined, agreed to before our very births a path not of what we see or hear or do but a path with the sole purpose of teaching us a lesson or a point? What if our lives are predetermined for good or ill to that end, what if our lives are predestined for a simple chance encounter or long term relationship with someone else whose own destiny is to share a moment with us, perhaps even the briefest of moments for a simple emotional response, lesson or goal?

How do we know if we have fulfilled our destiny, our laid out path for us? When is it enough, why is it so and when will it end? If we end the ride before someone or something else does for us, did we fail in our destiny or checking out early is what is meant for us to teach others around us the lesson? When does this endless plodding through ever thickening air that slows us and entraps us, when does it give away and allow us peace with rest or happiness?

To what end our existence, to what end do we strive ever onwards while we watch others live a life of joy and serenity? Is there a purpose to life, a reason for life an answer to our unspoken thoughts and prayers? Why do some think that only Humans have souls, why do some think that we are spirits or spiritual beings, why do some not look into the eyes of a loving fur companion and think there is no spirit or soul in there? Why do some strive to take or destroy other spirits, souls or godless heathens, those whom are not just like them in their little narrow minded ways of thinking?

To what end is it all for? Is there any meaning or any depth greater than this existence at all? Is the journey alone the reason or is it all just random non design, some luck of fate that we are here at all? Why allow all the suffering, why allow this continued retched existence, why?

What is the purpose of life? I would find the purpose of life very sad indeed if it was only the brief existence at that moment in time with nothing before or after. Hopefully the purpose to life is more than we can comprehend for that would give me some hope, some glimmer of comfort like the slim rays of sunshine slicing through the dark clouds after an extended period of rain. The briefest of slivers of light to shine through the dark illuminating that which is both around me and inside.

I could use that slight sliver of light right now, that briefest of hopes for a better future or purpose, anything.

BarnTextures 012b

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Autistic girl, speaks computer

(written to a friend ps.. I am turning my email into a blog post so don’t be upset with me about it, please!!!)
what a great video and now I understand more about this.
… i know i see what others do not, i can zoom in on objects seeing and seeking where others see just the scene before them or see only wild things or weeks. i see the droplets of dew on the green leaves, i hear the sound of individual insects buzzing near me or can zoom in to hear those close to a particular flower even if it is ten feet away. 
people, seem overwhelming to me in groups unless they are in military groups for there is some semblance of order there. malls or large gatherings bother me and i feel emotionally drained, tiring easily. 
me, i am different from most, this girl is similar but different from me in that she has sensory input hundreds of times more acute than i do. 
me, i see the world differently but how differently does she see the world from me, buzzing, humming, covering her ears, taking hundreds of pictures of people’s faces. 
me, i see multiple images of people at the same time, not hundreds or thousands
me, i see autistic and autism much better now
me, i thank you Carly for letting me and others learn from you! 
p.s. written this way on purpose fo that others see the small i, a person in a crowd instead of the bigger I that they are used to seeing in sentences or in other writings.
if you see i, perhaps you might see me.
aprl 003
BarnTextures 051


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